The mess inside my heart

I find it hard to shut my mind off. I find it hard to stop thinking about you. I find it hard to stop missing you. I find it hard to stop hurting inside.

And I wonder a lot. I wonder if you’re thinking about me right this minute. If you’re missing me. If you’re hurting just as much.

But why should you hurt. You wanted this break up although we were deliriously happy. People leave each other when they’re more miserable than they’re happy together. We were happy.

You said it’s not easy for you and you miss me too. Every second you miss me is a decision you’ve consciously made and you’re putting me through this pain as well.

So don’t tell me it’s hard on you and don’t tell me you miss me too. Because if you did, and if you loved me as much as you led me to believe, we wouldn’t be apart right now. You didn’t love me enough to stay.

You spoke of the day you’ll be proposing to me, of a white wedding gown. You spoke of babies and a life of happiness. You made me think about a family. Dreams that I had long ago pushed deep down, so deep I forgot about them. And now you’ve torn down my walls and and I’m struggling to breathe.

And that hurts the most. It’s the kind of pain that seeps through the core of your soul and rips it apart. It’s tearing me apart. Why are you doing this to me.

And now I hate it when day turns to night now. I hate it because I stay up all night dissecting every word you’ve said to me. Wondering where I went wrong and what I didn’t do when we were together that led you to believe we’re not compatible.

And who is ever 100% compatible? No one. What keeps our differences together is that stupid, fucking thing called love. Remember, love? Remember your empty promises. I’ll remember you walking away.

The pain never really goes away you know…we just learn to live with it. We become numb, that’s all.

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